#175. From Infamy to Empowerment with Andrea Arlington

JOIN THE COMMUNITY

Episode Transcription

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  00:03

Are you ready to transform your life with the power of gratitude? Are you ready to step into each day with greater intention, energy and purpose? Well, introducing the ultimate gratitude journal, your personal guide to cultivating a life full of joy, positivity and mindfulness. So why is gratitude so important? According to the research, practicing gratitude has been proven to reduce stress, improve your sleep, boost your mood, and even strengthen your relationships. Imagine waking up each day with a sense of purpose, feeling more connected to yourself and to those around you. My ultimate gratitude journal is designed to help you do just that. With daily prompts, inspirational quotes, and space for reflection. It’s the perfect tool to make gratitude a daily habit. Each page guides you to focus on the good, recognize the little joys and appreciate the abundance in your life. And here’s the best part. For one week only listeners have a voice and beyond can enjoy a special 30% discount on the ultimate gratitude journal. Just visit www.drmarisaleenaismith.com/journal, or click the link in the show notes below and Simply follow the prompts. Don’t miss out on this exclusive offer. Visit my website now and start your journey to a more grateful and fulfilling life. Remember, a grateful heart is a magnet for miracles. So grab your ultimate gratitude journal today and see the positive change it brings. Remember, this offer is valid for one week only.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  02:26

It’s Marissa Lee here, and I’m so excited to be sharing today’s interview round episode with you. In these episodes, our brilliant lineup of guests will include healthcare practitioners, voice educators, and other professionals who will share their stories, knowledge and experiences within their specialized fields to empower you to live your best life. Whether you’re a member of the voice, community, or beyond your voice is your unique gift. It’s time now to share your gift with others develop a positive mindset and become the best and most authentic version of yourself to create greater impact. Ultimately, you can take charge, it’s time for you to live your best life. It’s time now for a voice and beyond. So without further ado, let’s go to today’s episode.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  03:37

In this week’s episode of a voice and beyond, we welcome the remarkable Andrea Arlington as our guest. Andrea is a trauma informed certified ICF professional life coach, interventionist minister, former television personality model and the author of revelations of a bad mum. Andrea bravely shares her powerful journey through generational trauma, family recovery, mental health, homelessness and addiction. She opens up about the unintended rise to infamy following her daughter’s heroin addiction which led to thefts from numerous Hollywood celebrities like Orlando Bloom, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, a saga documented in the movie Bling Ring. This episode delves into the generational trauma, Andrea unknowingly passed down to her daughter and the profound impact it had on their lives. Andrea’s book, revelations of a bad mom goes beyond her personal story, addressing the deep seated insecurities many women, especially mothers struggle with. It’s a raw and heartfelt exploration of how these insecurities shape our lives, and the journey of healing through addiction loss, and family turmoil. Andrea’s story is one of resilience, showing how she and her daughter have emerged, not just surviving but thriving. As a certified professional life coach, Andrea now dedicates her life to mending the intricate family webs of family systems, healing generational trauma, and nurturing relationships with a keen focus of reconnecting with the often neglected inner Wounded Child. So join us as Andrea Arlington shares her inspiring story and recovery message, aiming to motivate others towards healing and empowerment.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  06:16

So without further ado, let’s go to today’s episode.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  06:31

Welcome to A Voice and Beyond Today, we have a very special guest. We have Andrea Arlington, all the way from LA and you are stunning. You are just such a typical la looking perfection person. Now, from what I have learned from your story, your family has dealt with addiction, mental health issues and homelessness. Do you want to share your family story? And tell us a little bit about your background?

Andrea Arlington  07:07

Sure. Thanks for asking. So I grew up in the Midwest here in the United States. And my childhood was, I guess, you know, I grew up in a middle class home with a professional father and a mother who struggled with self esteem. And I always think of her as this beautiful, but very vulnerable, almost delicate bird, to be honest with you think back at my childhood, and the family home was very cold. And there was no closeness in the relationships. And it was really hard for me as a little girl who wanted to have love and affection and connection. Because my nature is very much about connecting with people. It always has been and yet in my family of origin that was not comfortable for the adults in my family. And I was definitely discouraged. Any kind of emotional connection was discouraged. So by the time I was 14, I left home, I moved out and I ended up moving in with a gay man who taught me how to walk and talk and dress and model. And that launched me into a career as an international fashion model, which lasted for over a decade. Wow. Yeah. And during that time, I dated a lot of, you know, rock stars and wealthy men and did a lot of drugs and partying. And when I was 21, I lost my brother to drugs and alcohol. And that was the beginning of my understanding of how dangerous it is to be somebody who struggles with emotional and mental health, and uses substances to self medicate, which is what he was doing. He was 17 when he died. And, you know, my parents had known that he was struggling with substances. But of course, back at that time, and even today, it’s there’s a stigma around it. And my brother’s case, my he wasn’t able to tell my parents that he was actually shooting drugs, he was only able to share with them that he felt like he had a problem with alcohol. And my parents, my parents response was well, you should just pretend that you’re drinking. So pour the alcohol out in the back of a planter at a party, for instance, is what he was told and fill your beer cans with water and just act cool, right? But really what he needed was somebody to feel safe enough to say I have a problem with shooting cocaine and I’ve been doing it for six months and you know, on and on. So that never happened and eventually, he died of a drug and alcohol related car accident. Oh yeah.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  09:58

Well, um, so Sorry,

Andrea Arlington  10:00

well, thank you. But you know, I feel like his death was really something that woke me up to my spiritual practices, I started studying Marianne Williamson’s work I started reading, Buddhism and Jung In teachings and, and other spiritual practices. And eventually I met and married a man in Los Angeles because I came out here to continue my career as a model and start acting. And it turned out after about two years of living with him and and getting married, that I realized that he also was struggling with a substance problem. And at first I just thought, Oh, we’re just having fun. He’s, he’s so handsome. And he says, Fill in all these things. And as it turns out, he had strong changes in his personality when he drank. And over time, He also revealed that he had problems with other women, dating other women while we were married. And I had two little girls when he met a young woman and left our our family. And over time he became homeless, because his drugs and alcohol use was so intense, he lost his career, lost his career. And then as I was raising my daughters, as a single woman struggling with their dad being homeless, and my own mental health, and which had never been real good, let me just say, because I wouldn’t have never left home if it if I was really that well inside, you know, and I didn’t have any real healthy role modeling either. So as an adult, I was sort of navigating life with this unwell mental health, I was very insecure and, and really felt lost in the world. And I was out in California all by myself, I didn’t have any friends or family when I moved out here. And when you’re in a relationship with somebody who struggles with mental health and addiction, sometimes you tend to isolate because you don’t want to Yes, outside world to know that your practice going on 100%. Right. I felt and I felt scared. And I didn’t know how to have a relationship with other with people because I was so distraught inside. So anyway, over time, I started re engaging in smoking weed to self medicate from the stress that I felt as a single mom and, and it was really hard for me to be available to my daughters emotionally, because I was unable to hold space for myself to feel okay, emotionally.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  12:40

How old were you at this stage?

Andrea Arlington  12:43

I was in my early 30s. Still young. Yeah, very young. And so my daughters started using weed when they were in their in middle school ages. And I honestly was okay with it, which I regret very much today. But I had started smoking weed when I was 12. And because of my lack of self awareness, even at in my mid 30s, I, I never had really gone back and thought, oh, you know, I’m really not very healthy mentally. Even though somehow I had, I just went through my life from that time that I started smoking weed and of course, that that really stigmatizes or stunts, excuse me, your prefrontal cortex development, right? Yes. So I had the mentality really of it like a 12 year old, raising kids, apparently, you know, that’s really what they say is that you sort of stopped developing emotionally at the age you start using?

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  13:46

Yes. Was it legalized at that stage? Because I do know that the state of California is very liberal, and marijuana has been legalized there. Was it legalized at the time,

Andrea Arlington  14:00

you could get a medical prescription was not hard to do, by the way. Not hard at all. And so, my children were smoking weed, and I was okay with it. And in fact, I’ll be honest, I felt like oh my God, thank God, they have something to help them numb there. I wasn’t consciously thinking this but there was a part of me that was really aware of the fact that oh, God, thank God because they were so overwhelming for me emotionally, to hit hold space for them to have their emotions about their dad being homeless. And about my youngest daughter was struggling with her self esteem issues. And I didn’t have any family out in California and still was struggling with self esteem and self worth. So bottom line is my oldest daughter started doing drugs when she was like heavier drugs when she was 14 heavier. Yeah, she had a surgery and she started taking it for prescription opioids to recover she had a double foot surgery. And that was very painful. And when she started taking, she told me later when she started taking the opiates, she felt like she was safe for the first time in her life emotionally. And she craved that feeling. And so therefore, she craved that, that’s those substances. And over time, she started using opioids more frequently and was dating a dealer who was 17. And she was 16. Oh, and I didn’t know that she was doing those drugs. I really thought she would smoke weed and that was it. But eventually, she ended up getting involved with an unhealthy crowd of kids, and was later identified and arrested as being the head of The Bling Ring burglaries, which were a group of teenagers here in Southern California that burglarized Paris Hilton’s home, or the end of Blooms home, and Lindsay Lohan, and multiple other celebrities. And she was identified as being the head of that, even though all it’s very clear that she wasn’t but eventually Sophia Coppola made a movie about that, about The Bling Ring kids. And Emma Watson played my daughter, Alexis NYers. In the movie, which was, you know, not very great. No,

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  16:27

you didn’t know any of this was going on? Oh, my God. No. So you were you at that point of time? Were you in emotional distress, you are traumatized yourself through the circumstance that you were finding yourself in? Yeah, well, that’s

Andrea Arlington  16:44

great question. So I did get remarried when Alexis was 12. And my youngest daughter was 10. And I had a foster daughter, who lived with us off and on since the time she was four years old. And she and my older daughter were like gasoline and fire, constantly finding shenanigans to get involved with boys, drugs, men, Hollywood, Malibu, like they were both beautiful, beautiful girls. And we’re, you know, captivated by the public eye and in the celebrity sort of world a little bit in Hollywood and Beverly Hills. And we ended up getting a reality show on on entertainment, because the girls got discovered in Hollywood, by a producer and all star. Yeah, it was crazy, right? What is story, the whole thing, my daughter’s whole criminal case, and everything was aired on national television and actually around the world. But it was never meant to be about the she was in Hollywood and with her sister, the girl taken in. And this producer said You girls are hilarious. Like what do you do? And what’s your mom all about? And, and they’re like, Oh, my mom teaches us the law of attraction. That’s why we’ve manifested they were shooting a movie, actually. They were playing fraternal twins in a movie, and this producer met them on the set. And he was like, you you guys are hilarious. You know, I’d like to talk to your mom. And at the time, I was really struggling in my marriage. My, my husband was was really unhappy with the girls behavior. He was, of course, their stepfather. And I was I was checked out. I was taking acting classes I wanted to get back in front of the camera again. My kids were getting older. They were getting close to graduation from high school. I didn’t know that they were doing these crazy drugs. But I did know that as a as a teenager, and as a young adult, I had hung out with with musicians and actors and was comfortable doing that myself. And again, I still didn’t identify the lack of, I guess, wisdom, or Yes, I just didn’t have that. Yeah, we’re just not it. So you know, eventually my daughter, her opioid used going through the criminal case. She became a full blown heroin addict. So she was shooting heroin. And she got arrested and and went to jail for burglarizing Orlando blooms home, she got out of jail and got back into self medicating with heroin and got arrested again and was facing her second felony when she was 19. And was looking at six years in prison. Yeah, if the judge convicted her right and if the DA their way, but as it turned out, the judge was 25 years sober. And he gave her the chance to go into treatment for 12 months and then to do three years of probation. And as long as she stayed clean, she net she wouldn’t have to go to prison. And she was 19 years old at the time. And thankfully, an amazing man who owned a treatment center agreed to be responsible for her recovery, and took her under his wing, and helped her for those 12 months. And I was still so mentally unwell myself. I mean, her treatment team said to her after that she was there for about 30 days, your mom is not allowed to come and visit you. Because I was I was so unhealthy. I was like, she’s more fucked up, excuse me than she was, when she was using heroin. You guys have her so drugged out and I was trying to control and and, and, and manipulate what was not in my power to do nor was I, you know, competent at managing my own life, much less hers, you know, and it wasn’t until she was a couple of years sober, and said to me, you know, Mom, I might have been the heroin addict, but you’re the one with the problem. Oh, yeah, that was a big, yes. Big moment for me. And she was right. But I was so hurt by that. At first I was like, How dare you, of course, dare, you know, and but she was so right. And I felt so broken, and my husband had left. And, you know, my life was a nightmare. I was losing my house. And I hadn’t had a career ever, except for being in front of the camera. And you know, at age, I think I was 48. At the time when all of this was going down, that I didn’t see, you know, there was no chance and, and my reputation. I mean, I was all over the news with my daughter. And we were in the newspapers and on the news. And so basically, I didn’t know what was going to happen. I really felt like I didn’t have any future. My kids weren’t talking to me. I had sort of avoided connecting with anybody for years, I was living in a state of complete drama, trauma and mental unwellness. And then somebody said to me, there’s a woman I really think you would benefit from working with. And I, I was like, oh, okay, you know, because I didn’t know what else I was going to do. I really literally felt completely paralyzed and didn’t know if I even wanted to live. Well,

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  22:19

that sounds like a Hollywood movie. All of that. It doesn’t, I mean, it just doesn’t sound real. Well, it’s just so much drama. That that actually was a real roller coaster of a story. Because there was some amazing highlights in there, like your amazing 10 year modeling career. But amidst all that is so much trauma and drama, and leading a double life. It’s like the person that you were showing to the world was not the person that you truly were and what was going on inside of you. And when you grow up in drama and trauma, it’s almost like you don’t know any different and probably for your not only you but for your daughter. She probably didn’t know any different either. It’s like, oh, yeah, this is just how life is this is what we do.

Andrea Arlington  23:23

That’s exactly right. Not only that, but like your neural pathways in your brain that that are developed through your thought processes, your belief system, and so forth. They produce chemicals in the body that are called biochemicals, right? So when you’re dealing with drama, and trauma, you’re constantly getting a chemical cocktail of different like dopamine, dopamine, and serotonin, and norepinephrine and oxytocin and cortisol, and all these different things, that you literally get addicted to that cocktail. And when things start to feel good. Your body goes through withdrawal from that emotional cocktail that you’re so addicted to because it’s been around for so long. And what happens is, it’s just like an addict going through withdrawal from alcohol or any other drug, you actually crave a dramatic experience. Or you’ll remember, if you will, events that have happened in order to get that cocktail, that chemical cocktail, there’s all sorts of books that are written about that as well. So that what really is going on is we think we’re thinking and but the truth is, is that our bodies are actually yelling up to our brain quick, have a thought about XY and Z so that I can get my chemical cocktail needs met. So you choose relationships, you choose people, you you enter into relationships with people, whether they know it or not, with you playing out old rules and patterns, because you are not aware of the fact that you’re addicted to a chemical cocktail, and it’s causing you to act out in these ways. And I finally We’re working with that woman understood the massive amount of dysfunction I was dealing with, and what I needed to do to change my brain and to change my neural pathways, and to heal my heart and to feel whole, and to feel no longer feel like I had to manipulate and control other people. I learned how to take care of myself and to love myself, which has been a long journey, right? I’m turning this year. So you look amazing. Thank you.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  25:33

You do you have to tell me the name of people in LA.

Andrea Arlington  25:40

Right, caretakers. But anyway, it’s been a hard, long journey. But the good news is, is that my daughter and her husband, who are they’re no longer married, but they’re still good friends. They were married for 10 years. She got married when right after she got out of jail. She met him. Sorry, right after she got out of treatment. She met him. Yes. This is Alexis. Alexis. Yeah, yeah. She has two beautiful daughters. I have five grandchildren. My daughters are healthy. They’re well, her husband and she opened up a treatment center in Malibu, that Newsweek has rated the number one mental health and dual diagnosis treatment center in the country, two years in a row. Now,

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  26:23

that is fantastic news. So something amazing has come from all of that accolade. And

Andrea Arlington  26:30

I started after I worked with that woman for three years, I went through a couple of training programs to become a mental health expert have focused on family recovery from addiction, mental health issues, all sorts of certifications, and training in relationship healing and communication and all that great stuff. Especially like I learned how to talk to myself in a way that is kind and compassionate. And with a lot of empathy and care. I had to reparent myself, essentially, because I didn’t have a relationship with my parents really ever, ever.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  27:15

Are you ready to scale and share your products or services globally? Well, introducing a voice and beyond the podcast that reaches listeners in 99 countries across 2185 cities, ranked in the top point 5% of podcasts globally, a voice and beyond is offering you an exclusive opportunity to connect with an international audience. This isn’t just about advertising. It’s an exclusive and unique chance for businesses and individuals to amplify their message worldwide. So whether you’re a member of the voice community, a health care professional, and author, a budding entrepreneur, or an established brand, seize the moment to be heard where it matters most. You can email me on info at Dr. Marisa Lee naismith.com, or visit the link in the show notes to learn more about this extraordinary opportunity. Whatever you do, don’t miss out on reaching our global audience. Because your voice deserves to be heard everywhere. You do talk about generational trauma. That’s one of the things that you have mentioned to me when we had our pre interview meeting. So what is generational trauma? And was your mum a part of your generational trauma? Or did it start with you and then you handed it down to your children.

Andrea Arlington  29:06

So it’s a really interesting generational trauma can be looked at. So if you I don’t know if you’re familiar with a genogram. But if you look at like the last four generations of your family, you’ll find in in most of the individuals in America that the families in America that we came from other countries that four generations back when our relatives were arriving here in the United States, they were poor, they were struggling, they were homeless, they had left their families, their countries, and there they were living through trauma, right, the young adults mostly right? And so nobody was here to greet them and hold space for them and take them in and make them feel safe. We’re talking for generations back right so yes, 100 you years ago, right. And they were dealing with illness and, and disease and all sorts of things. So those family members, they were married, and they had children. And those children were raised by families by parents, who were not well mentally, because they were traumatized from what happened four generations back, or even five. Yeah, and studies show that addiction becomes really starts to show up significantly in about the fourth generation, which is the generation of my children. Right? Hey, I didn’t know that. Yeah, yeah. And that’s part of the work that I do with families as I help them look at okay, so where did great grandpa and grandma come from? How many children were there in their family? Did they lose a child to disease or at childbirth? Was there a mental illness? Was there? Was there transition happening? Was there trauma? Did they get moved across the country? How old were they graduate? Most of the grandparents in my family didn’t have more than a an elementary school education. Okay. You can imagine how do you feed a family, when you only have that and you feel incompetent, and you feel stressed? And it’s not? You’re not mentally? Well, right. So my dad, and my mom came from families that struggled, you know, with mental health, with illness with poverty. And so my father was driven from the time he was a little boy to compensate for the poverty in his family, by becoming so so highly educated, he had a PhD, he wrote books and taught at universities around the world. And, and his priority was educating people so that their families wouldn’t suffer the way that his family of origin did. But in the meantime, my family was neglected, like his own children suffered the an undealt, with trauma that he had, that he was trying to compensate for by becoming this expert. You know, he was the Vice Dean of the Business School at UW in Wisconsin, in Madison, then he had a $2 million Research Chair at University of Texas, Austin, and all of these things that he accomplished as a business professor, were so admirable, and yet, he lost his son to drug addiction. And he lost me too, you know, my own inability to, to survive in that environment where he wasn’t present. And my mom was ignored, basically, you know, she had lost her dad when she was eight. And, you know, there’s all trauma on her side of the family. And so we’re looking at generational trauma, and how it affected me. And then I met and married their father, whose mother suffered from MS and mental illness and came from a family of origin that was very unhealthy. And then his father had 10 siblings, and eight of them were put into an orphanage. So you know, we’re talking about trauma, right? That’s a lot. Right. He was raised by two very unwell parents. And of course, he was seeking love. And he sought it through sex, right? So he was a sex addict. And a drug addict because he was dealing with his own, like, levels of shame and childhood trauma. So I’m sharing all of this because now, now I look at my life. And now I can have compassion for myself, right? Because yes, I hated myself. Because the parenting that I had done, and the fact that I couldn’t find a relationship that worked for me. And, you know, I wasn’t, I wasn’t a healthy partner. And I didn’t choose healthy men because I was broken. And you can’t you don’t do you don’t choose healthy men. If you did have a healthy man around. He wouldn’t want to be with you if you’re broke, broken the way I was. Right? And so, yeah, it’s been a long journey, this trauma. Yes. And so the work that I do with families who have mental health issues and addiction issues, is, is to help them find compassion for themselves and look at their genome Graham’s understanding how these generational problems have contributed to their child’s or their own addiction. It changes everything because when the compassion and empathy are activated, in the family, when healing and transformation happens, and it’s amazing. Oh

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  34:54

my gosh. That is incredible. And I can relate to so Much of what you just said, and I didn’t realize like, you just, I had so many aha moments through that because my own family were migrants to Australia. And they both went through the Second World War. My father was in the Second World War. And they went through so much trauma. My mum was from a family of 11, most of her siblings died when they were young from illnesses that now there are ways to, you know, there’s medication that we can take to prevent those illnesses, causing mortality. There are uneducated, totally uneducated, where they came from was a small island. In the Thai Iranian sea, there was no hospital, there was no doctor, there was no school. And my father’s mother passed away when he was two weeks old from mastitis. Um, ah, so they came to this country, right. And my mother was she was very mentally unwell. Sure. And I was born to take her mind off herself. That was the advice the doctor gave her was, Oh, my God, no, what? Go and have a baby and forget about your take your mind off yourself. So I was born with a job of being that exactly. object to make my mum happy. So I was responsible,

Andrea Arlington  36:37

who had to perform for her to keep her happy? Yes. And everything that

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  36:41

was a problem was my fault. But I haven’t just seen it in my own immediate, like, my brother has his own ways of dealing with things because he went through his own traumas. Yeah, but my cousins who came from the same bloodline, yeah, there’s so much anxiety in our family. There’s so much anxiety. There is Yeah. And I’ve thought to myself, it’s only since I’ve gotten to speak to my cousins on a deeper level, that I found this out. Now, because we don’t realize when we’re kids, we don’t know how we’re feeling why we’re feeling the way that we do. But it’s been very interesting. One of my cousin’s in particular, she has suffered so badly from anxiety that she doesn’t drive a car. She hasn’t had a job for years. She’s had intestinal cancer, it’s manifested into cancer. And she immediately goes into high alert. Oh, yeah. You say to her, Oh, I’m going to be going overseas. Oh, my gosh, you want to be careful. And she doesn’t mean that to dramatize, she is actually worried that something is going to happen completely.

Andrea Arlington  38:05

I struggle with it’s PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, chronic PTSD, right? It’s it’s the tiny T traumas, not the big huge, you know, like car accident trauma, although that was what it was originally with your parents, right? Moving and seeing their mom die or not having a mom and seeing their siblings die, right. And so there’s the big T trauma, but then we as the younger generation, like my dad would never acknowledge that I had trauma it from my childhood, never. As long as there was a roof over your head, food on the table and clothes on your back. You’re good. And they’re done with their responsibility. Right? Yes. And that was that was the way I was raised. And, and in a sense, that was the way I raised my girls now. Now, it’s so interesting, because my 11 year old granddaughter is living with me temporarily because her mom took a job in the city. And she wanted to stay out here and finish her fifth grade and her dance program. And so I’m loving this by saying yes, is this Lexus daughter? Lexus is oh, this daughter? Yeah, Harper. So how’s your relationship

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  39:17

with Alexis now because I know that for some time, it was not good. Not

Andrea Arlington  39:23

good at all. She didn’t trust me emotionally because everything that I did, she felt was transactional. Like, I would only do things it was going to benefit me. And I fully admit very narcissistic as a mom, as a wife, as a partner as a woman. Because a narcissism is often driven by emotional neglect, because we become super sensitive to the fact that we don’t have our emotional needs met right? And so we are constantly living out of that fight flight freeze area of the brain like your cousin because We are, we have to be on high alert that oh my god, something is going to come and it’s going to disrupt my well being, or nobody’s going to save me. No one’s going to rescue me, I have to take care of myself. So my parenting with my daughter, even through whole, just all of her trauma was so all about me. It was so just so sad. I mean that my poor daughter was so traumatized by me as her mom, I’m so sorry. I can’t I can’t apologize enough. Yes,

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  40:29

yes. But you were doing your best from what you knew. And from where you had come from. You’re in survival mode. 24/7. That was your mom, right? Yes, yes. And I had to I had to forgive my mum also. Not that she really understood what was going on. Right. But she passed away two years ago, we had a wonderful relationship. And the funny thing was, she never worried about me, she always worried about my older brother who’s 11 years older than me. And I used to say to her Mum, why don’t you worry about me? Why are you always worried about my brother? Like he’s old enough to know better? He’s, he’s doing fine. But you’re always worrying about him. And then I had a session, this might sound woowoo. And I apologize to some of the listeners who, who think this is a little bit left of center. But I had a session with Oh, my gosh, I can’t remember it was some sort of coach who was a medium as well. Yeah. Wasn’t a transformational coach. But she calls in all the Spirit guides are intuitive coach, and okay, yes. And my mum came to this healing session. And my mum said that she always knew that I was strong, okay, and that I was resilient. And she apologized for everything that she had put me through, because she realized how much it had messed me up in my own personal relationships, because I always felt that I had to be the person to take care of everybody. And I hadn’t learned how to receive in life. Completely.

Andrea Arlington  42:29

Same. Yeah, yeah. I mean, and oftentimes, I was caretaking other people in order to feel safe myself, because they wouldn’t leave me. Or they would love me. If I proved myself enough to them. Right. I

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  42:48

get that. I get that.

Andrea Arlington  42:50

Yeah, I do have a great relationship. To answer your question with Alexis today. It took us a long time to get here. But we put a lot of work. And we we did do some therapy together. And so yeah,

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  43:00

I know, because last time we spoke, which was maybe end of last year or early this year, you were still repairing that relationship. It’s still it still wasn’t 100% repaired. So I’m so happy to hear that. And how important is it for us to repair those unhealed parts of us to then repair the family dynamic with our own children. It’s critical

Andrea Arlington  43:31

that’s why I love doing those family Gino Graham’s because when you look at the family, genealogical history and the trauma in the in the family generations, then the family can come together and we can create a family message. That sounds something like my family is in pain, our relationships feel polarized, and you know, difficult. And yet looking at the family history, there’s been a lot of resilience in our family because we survived, right? We survived through all of these traumas. And, uh huh, exactly. So we can draw from the strength of our family to now come together and make a decision that moving forward, we’re going to heal the challenging belief systems and mental health patterns that we’ve carried forward. Up until now we’re going to heal those so that the next generation is really not impacted by the the generational trauma from before. And that’s what I was about to say my 11 year old granddaughter I was listening to her navigate a difficult conversation with a friend on the phone last night there was actually three other kids on the phone with her. And she said to this one young girl, you know, I really care about you, but when you talk about my friend Jack, in a hurtful way, it makes me feel really sad and I love Jack and I want to be his friend, and I want you to be my friend. But if you can’t be nice to my other friends, I can’t be friends with you. Who is this

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  45:09

11 year old? That is incredible.

Andrea Arlington  45:12

It was crazy. I was listening to it. And I was so impressed. Yes, I just thought to myself, Look, she’s setting boundaries, but she’s so she’s so loving and kind and compassionate. And it was just beautiful. And then I listened to her get on a call with her mom and dad who are divorced, but they love each other. And they they were they co parent beautifully together. And they were both giving her a lot of encouragement and saying you, you’re so strong, and you’re so compassionate. And, you know, that’s what is going to make you really successful in life. You know, when people are dealing with struggles, you’ll be compassionate, but you’ll also set boundaries to protect yourself, which is basically what I failed to know how to do, and didn’t teach my kids that, but boy, my grandchildren are certainly learning that and they have good healthy parents because of the work my daughters did. And also, you know, my Alexis is former husband, he’s been sober for like 17 years or more and, and just done a lot of work to so that it can heal we Yes. So the answer to your question is, it’s so important that we do the work for ourselves. So that we can, we can be be involved in emotionally trusting relationships with other people. And we can also advocate for ourselves when we need time and space, to process things. I mean, it’s not that I don’t get triggered with my daughter, and she does Vegard with me, but when I do I have tools and strategies and a support, you know, network of people that I depend on, I have a coach, you know, I have a code to work with. And I have spiritual practices, and I meditate and I do a lot of reading and self reflection and gratitude and all of the things that make me mentally healthy today. And we all have to be responsible for our our ability to emotionally regulate and find inner peace, even when shits hitting the fan. Yes.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  47:12

And so when clients come to you, who are the typical kind of people that come to what are some of the issues that are going on in their families with them? Yeah,

Andrea Arlington  47:25

you know, a lot of times, you know, parents are in disagreement on how to raise their children who are struggling with their own mental health or, or substance use issues. Husbands and wives have their own challenges. You know, there’s lack of respect in the relationship and contempt has developed over time because they don’t know how to communicate in a loving and respectful way. So you know, I teach a lot of communication strategies, I give people scripts to use to help flush out the unspoken disk, comfort and the unspoken feelings. People don’t even realize what they’re actually feeling until you learn how to ask questions that evoke the evoke the actions of the prefrontal cortex, essentially, because when we’re always living in the in the fight, flight freeze, which a lot of my family members are, I would say, 100%. The people I work with are dealing with stress, and they’re living, they’re driven by unmet emotional needs often. And so when I help them, identify, you know, what is it that is driving you to feel this way and driving you to make these choices? And how can you support each other, to, to be to feel seen and heard and loved and affirmed and still get your own needs met? And so that a lot of what I deal with, but most of my clients right now, are parents who have kids that are struggling with addiction. And my my work in that area has been incredibly rewarding. I help parents get their kids who are homeless off of the street and into treatment. But it’s usually it requires learning how to drop the weapons, drop the anger, drop the resentment, no matter what’s happened, like, it’s really been through a lot of trauma. And I could have spent the rest of my life being angry at my daughter for the trauma that I went through, because of her choices, right? Yes. But I learned to instead of being angry at her, I learned to take responsibility for my part in it. And I also learned to have compassion for why she felt driven to make the choices that she did. And so that’s what I teach parents, how to have an understanding to look deeper. You know, A child says I’m going to grow up and be a drug addict. Exactly. And I’m going to screw up my life and everybody else is around me so that everybody hates me. And I’m alone, which makes me want to use even more. Right. So start dropping the weapons and actually understand that generational trauma because we do the Gino grams with every family that I work with. And then we we bring the family together and we start having conversations about what is the underlying need that’s not being met here that causes you to want to self medicate? And how can we? How can we help you get your needs met, and not make you feel shame and, and self loathing in the process. And, you know, a lot of times, we do need expert help, you know, right away for the addiction issues. Because we’re dealing with fentanyl, we’re losing 318 people a day to overdose in our, in our country, which is one minute. So who

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  50:59

would be the youngest child, and the parents have come in what age would be the youngest case that you’ve had to work with

Andrea Arlington  51:08

1414. And they were homeless know that that child was not homeless, the youngest homeless child was 17. But she is six years sober today. And she’s a nurse, she’s married, and she’s expecting her first child. And she struggled with bipolar and heroin and crystal meth addiction when she was homeless. So, you know, that was I had, I had the parents reach out to me, and within 29 days, we had her off the street and in treatment. So it’s not, it’s not always an exact science, but right away, when the parents start to stop trying to force the child to get sober, but instead focus on connecting with them, and helping the child feel safe and not judged and not ashamed. That’s when the child feels safe enough to be willing to receive help, and, and to reconnect with the parents. A little bit at a time, but oftentimes, because I’m able to talk with the child while they’re struggling, and tell them what I’ve been through with my own kids, I foster daughter was homeless for two years, living in downtown LA and, you know, addicted to Let’s rob heroin and crystal meth. So yeah, I’ve been down that road. And you know, essentially, I was homeless, too, for two years when I when I first left home. Yes. So the kids can relate to me, I’m happy to say, and that’s always lovely. I ended up oftentimes working with the kids after they’re out of treatment, just to continue to coach them on their journey of rebuilding the life that they were probably meant to have. But got sidetracked, you know, yes,

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  52:53

because it’s one thing to get them off the streets. But then it’s, you can’t just leave them there. You’ve got to then have them assimilate back into society. And with that child, who was homeless, who’s now one of your remarkable stories of healing? What were the needs that weren’t being met for her? And what are usually the needs that these children are missing, that they’re feeling like, I need this, but I’m not receiving it?

Andrea Arlington  53:27

Well, she came from a broken home. And mom was a full time employed and Dad, Dad was not mentally healthy, and was a substance user himself. And so there was big abandonment issues from the time she was a girl from both parents. And you know, then mom ended up getting remarried. And so there was this other person who took up a lot of mom’s time and she was the oldest of two girls. And, you know, there was some, yeah, the father issue. When he left the family was even just a huge abandonment for her because she was at an age where she was more aware of the big void that was caused, I think she was like six when they split up, and her younger sister was only two. So the adjustment for the younger child was easier. Yes. And so she grew up. There was some mental health issues in in the her mom’s generation, as well. Her mom’s sister had bipolar, and became addicted to drugs and eventually took her own life.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  54:42

Oh my gosh, that’s a lot. It is.

Andrea Arlington  54:45

And so Rachel story and I can tell you her name is on my website and are my testimonials in a video she talks about how when her mom started working with me Everything changed and who she is today and it’s just amazing. Well,

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  54:59

you are doing remarkable work. And you do have a communication video that we’re going to share in the show notes too. So in just starting to wrap this up, how can we foster loving and nurturing relationships within our family unit? What some advice you can give us their,

Andrea Arlington  55:19

you know, I would say that it’s really important to do some self work. If you can really look at you know, the way that we see ourselves, do we see ourselves as rescuers? Do we see ourselves as victims do we see ourselves as, as a as angry about unresolved, you know, issues with other people, we have to work on healing our own state of mind. Because if we are operating from any one of those three ego states, victim rescuer, or persecutor, which is known as the Drama Triangle, in relationships, and that Drama Triangle exists in every family, especially those that are dealing with mental health and addiction issues. And really, I would say probably close to one out of six is definitely dealing with that. So that’s one of the first things is, you know, it’s self awareness. But you can’t do it with your own mind. You have to look at what are the results I’m getting in my life, if they’re not healthy, they don’t feel good to me. I have room to grow. It’s like when my daughter said, Mom, I might be the heroin addict, but you’re the one with the problem. Well, she was right, I was going through my third divorce, and I was only 47. Yeah, you know, like, kids were not doing well. And I was the common denominator, I lost my brother to addiction. I had left home when I was 14, all of these things. So I tended to be a person who thought I was everybody else’s fault. You know, I there was nothing wrong with me. But that was a self protection thing as well. That was that was my armor, right? And if I could just look good and show up and pretend, then I would, I would somehow be able to at least survive. And anyway, getting back to well, how do people heal their relationships? Well, you have to learn how to communicate with another person in a way that is supportive and loving, and compassionate and kind. But if you don’t feel safe, and if you’re living from the fight, flight freeze area of the brain in which so many of us are today, with financial stress and all sorts of other stresses. It’s really hard to have healthy relationships. And so it’s just it’s a healing journey. It’s healing the mind, body and spirit. Through working with a coach through work. That’s what it took. I was working with her for 18 hours a month for three years. Three years, 18 hours a

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  57:48

month. Uh huh. I’ve never heard of that much coaching.

Andrea Arlington  57:53

Well, I worked with her in a group on Saturdays for eight hours. And then during the week, I’d work with her between two and three hours. Just one on one coach. That’s a lot

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  58:04

of discipline in just showing up. Yeah, not just doing the work. But actually just getting yourself there to show up.

Andrea Arlington  58:13

Well, what happened was, I felt so broken that when I first started talking to her, and I felt like she really knew what I was going through because she was in recovery from alcoholism and sex addiction. And she was 85 years old. And she was she really had a lot to offer, right? Like, I like I felt like, oh my god, somebody gets me, right. And then when I was in that group on Saturdays with other women and a couple of men, too, that were all struggling with the same shit, you know, like self love and relationship stuff. I was like, Oh, I’m in the right place. Yes, I can’t not be here. I can’t not be here. And it was a community, I created a community or I felt like I belonged in that community of people who were willing to do the work. And I couldn’t not do the work because they were doing the work, right. And so, and I saw my relationships improving as I implemented these strategies and these new beliefs, and as that happened, it was like that kept me going to it was like, Oh, another $1,000 to spend another month in this program and see my relationship with my kids improve. Without a doubt, I’m doing that. So it was it was inch meal. It wasn’t like I sign up for three years at 18 hours a month. It was like I started a couple of hours a month and it pretty soon it grew because I saw the improvements happening and I got more and more committed.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  59:40

And the biggest thing that you just said, I believe is that you didn’t feel alone. You felt there were other people who understood and we’re going through the same thing that that you were and that’s something that everyone needs to feel that’s our most common basic need is to I feel that we belong as human beings orderly. Yes, yeah. Okay. In all of this because your story is massive. It is a massive, incredible story. Do you have any regrets? Or do you feel like everything that you’ve been through was all meant to happen? So you could be where you’re at right now in your life?

Andrea Arlington  1:00:25

I think so I think it was all meant to happen. So I could be where I’m at right now, which is in on in a perfect place. There’s stuff I still work on every day. Yeah, saying, yeah. But it makes me good at what I do, because there’s nobody who can show up on my doorstep, if you will, or on my resume, that I can’t say, Oh, dude, I get that. I’ve been there been there? Or I’m going through that now. And I can help you because boy, do I have some great tools? You know? And that makes a big difference. And I know you do that to the work that you do you help so many people find their joy and find and use great tools to get there. And that’s, that’s what I love about coaching. Yes,

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  1:01:05

exactly. So anything you else you wanted to add to this interview?

Andrea Arlington  1:01:11

Now, I, we’ve covered a lot of ground, haven’t we we have,

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  1:01:15

we have way more than I was anticipating?

Andrea Arlington  1:01:21

Well, I’ve heard you taking the time to have this call with me and but if people would like to get it’s a 30 minute downloadable video on my website, Andrea arlington.com. And it really is life changing the communication tools that I go over actually go over the Drama Triangle, and how to use language to change operating from those three different ego states, how to become how to identify when you’re in it, and what you need to do to get out of it. And my daughter, Alexis is actually in the entire video with me, we laugh about how how messed up our relationship was, and what we’ve had to do to overcome it. And it’s really fun, and it’s good, and it’s funny, and it will help the people who

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  1:02:05

watch it. Well, we’ll have to make sure that we keep the link to that video, we put that in the show notes. But Andrea, look, thank you so much for being on the show and for your candidness for being so open and vulnerable and authentic and real. I love that about you, and your willingness to share your story and the story of your family. I appreciate it. And I wish you all the very best in the future. And I hope to connect again so that we can have an update and see where you’re at and how everything is going with your family. And I love that your granddaughter is there living with you. You care. Thank you. Amazing. Well done to you. Thank you and look forward to seeing you again in the future. Yes,

Andrea Arlington  1:02:55

me too. Thank you so much. Bye. I

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  1:03:00

thank you so much for listening to this episode of voice and beyond. I hope you enjoyed it as now is an important time for you to invest in your own self care, personal growth and education. Use every day as an opportunity to learn and to grow so you can show up feeling empowered and ready to live your best life. If you know someone who will also be inspired by this episode, please be sure to copy and paste the link and share it with them. Or share it on social media and use the hashtag a voice and beyond. I promise you I am committed to bringing you more inspiration and conversations just like this one every week. And if you would like to help me please rate and review this podcast and cheer me on by clicking the subscribe button on Apple podcast right now. I would also love to know what it is that you most enjoyed about this episode and what was your biggest takeaway? Please take care and I look forward to your company next time on the next episode of a voice and beyond.