#149. How to Identify and Eliminate Limiting Beliefs with Shelly Lefkoe

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Episode Transcription

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  00:00

Hey, it’s Marisa Lee here and I have some really exciting news to share with you. Just recently, I launched my performance mastery coaching programme, which has been designed to help a forming artists and other creatives just like you to take centre stage in their lives. Whether you’re mid career and simply feeling stuck, or you’re someone who is just about to embark on your career journey, and need help getting started, my unique coaching programme is for you. To celebrate the launch. I’m currently offering a free 30 minute discovery session, so you can learn more about the programme and how I can help you go to the next level in your life. My first intake is already seeing incredible results. So don’t miss out, go visit Dr Marisa Lee Naismith.com forward slash coaching, or just send me a direct message and let’s get chatting. Remember, there’s no time like now to take centre stage in your life.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  01:25

It’s Marisa Lee here, and I’m so excited to be sharing today’s interview round episode with you. In these episodes, our brilliant lineup of guests will include healthcare practitioners, voice educators, and other professionals who will share their stories, knowledge and experiences within their specialised fields to empower you to live your best life. Whether you’re a member of the voice, community, or beyond your voice is your unique gift. It’s time now to share your gift with others develop a positive mindset and become the best and most authentic version of yourself to create greater impact. Ultimately, you can take charge, it’s time for you to live your best life. It’s time now for a voice and beyond. So without further ado, let’s go to today’s episode.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  02:35

According to the Journal of Clinical Psychology, over 40% of adults will try to change their behaviour at some point this year, and 92% will fail to keep their commitment. This week on a voice and beyond our guest Shelly Lefkoe is going to help to unlock the superhuman in us that is stuck in amazes self made beliefs that prevent us all from taking action. Shelley, who is an international speaker belief eliminator extraordinaire, the co founder and president of the left co Institute as well as the founder of parenting the left Coway has made it her life’s mission to set people free from their self imposed prisons by eliminating one limiting belief at a time. Shelly science based method has helped over 200,000 people in over 120 countries experience profound life shifts by clearing the root cause of people’s challenges, and permanently getting rid of a hidden beliefs. Shelly discusses how we can identify and eliminate counterproductive thoughts and emotional and behavioural patterns holding us back from achieving our potential. How we can effortlessly and rapidly remove self defeating patterns, like procrastination, self doubt, and impostor syndrome. The way to experience breakthroughs without breakdowns and to help to achieve natural confidence, as well as how to gain incredible energy, inner peace and freedom. I could relate to so much of what Shelley spoke about and had many aha moments during this interview, and I’m sure you will too. So, without further ado, let’s go to today’s episode.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  05:04

Welcome to a voice and beyond. I’m so privileged to have the most wonderful Shelley Lefkoe. How are you?

Shelly Lefkoe  05:14

I’m wonderful. I’m very excited because I just got my new book. Oh, just just the book just came out. Really excited.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  05:25

You didn’t tell me about that?

Shelly Lefkoe  05:27

I’ll tell you why. Because it’s, you’ll see, I’ll tell you why. Okay.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  05:31

Okay. So I’ve written down, it’s called hitting the walls. So I’m going to ask some random questions about that. But okay, I’d like to introduce you to our audience, because I’ve had the great pleasure of meeting you already. So you are an international speaker, a belief eliminator extraordinaire, co founder and president of the left co Institute, and founder of parenting the next generation, you’re also the author of parenting, the left Coway. And that is a manual for raising confident kids. And you now have a new book called hitting the wall. I did sneak a peek at that, that title. So you’ve got a really busy career. But I want to ask you, how did you embark on this career? What inspired you to start this crazy journey you’re on?

Shelly Lefkoe  06:28

It’s Thank you. Thank you, thank you for the introduction. And for having me. It’s interesting, Marisa, because you use the word in So what inspired me. And something happened, I had a kind of spiritual, if you will experience that inspired me. So my late husband was on a journey to discover why people know what to do have passion, they want to do things, and they don’t, where they know what not to do. And they do it anyway. So a good example is we all know now, if we exercise and eat healthily, we will have better lives, richer lives, we’ll be able to do things we want to do. And yet we don’t do it. We know that. I’ll speak to your audience. So we know that if we go on stage, and have the worst slop of our career, we will not die. And yet people are terrified and have performance anxiety, like something bad is gonna happen to you. And you know, if you’re up there singing, you’re obviously good enough to do it, or you wouldn’t be up there. So maybe somebody will write a bad review. But that’s the worst thing that can ever happen. And yet people are terrified, right? Yes. Number one fear in the world is fear of public speaking. And Jerry Seinfeld famously said, that must mean that at a funeral, most people would rather be in the coffin than doing the eulogy.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  08:13

Oh my gosh, I love that. I love that. I love Jerry Seinfeld, though. Yeah.

Shelly Lefkoe  08:20

Yeah. So love Jerry. So my husband, my late husband was on a plane going to California to actually pitch a client. And he’s starts journaling. And he had done a lot of work on himself, like a lot of my clients. He had done everything. And he still had this pattern where things were supposed to work out, and they just didn’t. So he’s journaling. He’s journaling. And he comes out with this process. And he gets off the plane. And he does it on the people who were interviewing him. And they hire him on the spot. They had three other people to interview, they hired him, he comes home, he says, Shelly, something happened on the plane. And my husband was very modest. And he said, I downloaded this process. And a friend of ours, said, I really want to get married again. And I want to meet a man and it keeps just not happening. And he says well, what do you believe? So at that point, he had come up with the notion 30 years ago, that it is our beliefs about ourselves in life, most of which are unconscious, we don’t even know we have them that totally determine our behaviour, our emotions, and our reality. So when we said we help people eliminate beliefs, people would say, beliefs you mean like religious beliefs, what do you mean? 30 years later, everybody’s talking about beliefs, because everybody knows you can’t make permanent change or it’s very hard without eliminating beliefs. Yes, yes. So 30 years ago, so I’m sitting there. And he says to this woman, what do you believe that has you not getting married again or whatever? And she said, Well, marriage is suffocating. And, you know, you have to give yourself you have to give up yourself in marriage. And, you know, and men are selfish and watching her spout these beliefs. One, he does the process with her. She living I could cry, she eliminates the belief. And I’m sitting there, Marisa, and it was like, lightning hit me. And I said, that’s why I’m on this planet. I am here to do this. And 33 years later, I am still doing it, and I’m still juiced, and I’m still in awe of the power. I

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  11:11

can hear it in your voice. You still so excited about the work? And it’s interesting. When someone comes up with a new concept, how people shy away from it. I say it’s like, what is this person thinking that they must be smoking something? What do they think

Shelly Lefkoe  11:31

about? People used to say, you can’t get rid of a belief? I said, Yeah, you can.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  11:41

So what is the work that you do with the Lefkoe Institute now? Is that the work working on people’s beliefs

Shelly Lefkoe  11:49

thats the work

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  11:50

So how do you do that? What is that process?

Shelly Lefkoe  11:53

Yeah, so it’s hard to describe. I mean, it’s not hard to describe, I can take you through every single step. It’s not woowoo. It’s not airy fairy. We’ve done lots of research with University of Arizona, we’ve produced statistically significant behaviour change in the area of stress. We’ve worked with incarcerated men who are getting out of prison, and we produce statistically significant behaviour change in 17 weeks. Wow, people who couldn’t look you in the eye and talk to you were having conversations with us. It was miraculous. So it’s, it’s a basic process, that first of all, it’s a means to an end. So nobody wants to nobody cares about eliminating beliefs. We care about eliminating patterns. Yes. So a pattern is something you do, that you want to not do or something that you don’t do that you want to do. It’s something that you feel that you don’t want to feel, or something that you don’t feel that you would like to feel so. behaviours, unwanted behaviours, behavioural patterns, procrastination, yes. Not speaking up for yourself, performance anxiety, getting into relationships, that you shouldn’t be in self esteem issues where you are stopped because you feel less than everybody. Those are behavioural patterns. emotional patterns would be anxiety, depression, phobias, those are patterns. Reality patterns are I do all the right things, and nothing ever works out for me. Right? So a pattern is observable. Okay. Now, I’ll tell you how we do what we do. Patterns are observable, I can see you procrastinating. I could see you going up to the stage and being nervous. I mean, you can observe that. Yes, I can see you being anxious. Right, I could see you being depressed. So patterns are observable. A belief is a statement about reality that we hold as the truth. Right? Maybe sometimes once in a while. It’s, I believe this to be true. Yeah. And most of our beliefs are unconscious. We don’t even know we have them. But beliefs. First of all, they cause the pattern. So underlying these patterns, or these beliefs, you get rid of the beliefs, the pattern changes. Now, patterns or observable beliefs or not, yes,

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  14:56

I yeah, I get that. That’ll make sense. Yep, I’m 100% following you. I’m good. Yep. Great. Yes.

Shelly Lefkoe  15:05

So we take people through a process. So how does a belief get formed? Oh, I’ll give you the perfect example. So I’m on a podcast called, I think it was shark printer. Right? Which is a business podcast. Yes. And the guy says to me, I have had a belief my whole life. And for the first time, it’s really causing a problem. I said, What’s that? He said, Well, my daughter came home. And he’s a very good dad, and he cancelled or a podcast, he postponed it, because his daughter had a soccer game. And he wanted to be there. So I immediately fell in love with him given my parents. Yeah,

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  15:50

no, yes. Go dad,

Shelly Lefkoe  15:51

Go Dad, go dad. Right. So. So he, he says to me, so my daughter comes home. And she said, Dad, they’re doing a father daughter talent show. And I want you to sing a song with me. She had a belief that he has a terrible voice. But it paralysed him. So I said to him, you know, because you’re such a great dad. I don’t usually do this in podcasts. I said, Would you like to go through the process? So I knew what the belief was, I knew were probably where we came from. And I said, we can do it fast. So he goes, Okay, I’d love to. That’s so cool. So when he was a kid, he used to walk around the house singing. And one day his father said, God dammit, would you stop that? Singing? I can’t stand to listen to your voice. Bang. Belief formed? Yes. So I went through the process, he gets rid of the belief. And it was magical. So here’s how beliefs get formed. We come into this world. And we don’t know if we’re good enough or not good enough. We don’t know if money is scarce and hard to get, or it flows to us with abundance. We don’t know if life is hard or easy. We don’t know if men are wonderful, unkind, or they’re violent and aggressive. We don’t know if we have what it takes. Well, we don’t. So the one question that children asked you have kids?

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  17:41

Yes, I have two beautiful daughters, even if I do say so myself. I bet they’re wonderful human beings.

Shelly Lefkoe  17:49

I bet with you as a mother, how could they not be?

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  17:53

Thank you?

Shelly Lefkoe  17:54

So do you remember when they were little? And they’re three and four years old? What’s the one word question that every child asks all day long? Why? Why? Everyone answers that question. Yes. I asked my client in Uganda that question, and she said, why was it? Why am I being criticised? Why can I live up to my parents expectations? Oh, I see. I’m not good enough. Why are my parents never home? Or why do they talk to me and look at their iPhone while they’re talking to me? Oh, I see. I’m not important. They struggling with money? Oh, I guess money is scarce and hard to get. Why are they fighting all the time? Like Yes. relationships don’t work? Yes. Yes. Yes. So yes, there’s

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  19:08

only because No, Shelly, because I’m personally going through. I share everything on this podcast, like I’m an open book. Me too. And I’m kind of going through something like that right now. With my husband, where I’m not feeling good enough. Because he’s displaying some of those behaviours towards me. And we’re fighting a lot at the moment. I mean, we’re not getting divorced people it’s fine. You know, couples go through this. We’ve been together 30 years. Well, actually 33 But married 30 Next month, but I’m feeling that not good enough right now. So

Shelly Lefkoe  19:53

thank you for your vulnerability and for sharing. It makes a profound difference in people’s lives when you do that. Hmm, our beliefs stay buried as long as our lives are good, right? So if you’re winning, like, I was pretty smart, I could do a lot of things. But if something was hard, I didn’t do it. I staffed it out, or I asked a friend, or I just didn’t do it. And I realised, if you were to say to me, are you capable, I say, I lived alone in New York City. I travelled the world, I ran a company in my 20s. I’m very capable. But guess why? Only because certain things come easily to me when something didn’t come easily, which is a lot of things. Yes. I didn’t do it. So I said to me, Ben, would you work with me? And I had the belief, I’m not capable. And might when I was a kid, my father who was so loving and adored me, when he got angry. He used to say, No, you’re an idiot. I thought the word was near idiot. You’re an idiot, right? Idiot. And I, my husband said, Say I’m stupid. And I said, I’m stupid. And I said, that’s not it. And then I went, Yeah, my father used to call me an idiot. And tears started streaming down my face. So that belief was buried, like you’re not good enough, you’re successful. You’re in the top 1% of podcasts, we found out. And

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  21:41

you said, point 00 5% jumped right in a million podcast

Shelly Lefkoe  21:49

added that happen. So I’m good enough, right? Everybody loves me, I’m singing, I’m doing this, I’m doing that. I’m good enough. But all of a sudden, your husband presses on one of those buttons. And up comes your little I’m not good enough in your face. So there are two kinds of beliefs. So I want to go back for a second. And I’ll I’ll talk about survival strategy beliefs in a minute. But I want to go back to what you were talking about. Here’s why. You could be in the top one like Joe Rogan, he is in the top 100th of a percent of of the 1%. Right, right. So he’s on the tippy, tippy, tippy top. I tell you, it doesn’t get rid of beliefs. I worked with five Harvard PhDs who had the belief, I’m stupid. Evidence doesn’t get rid of beliefs. So true therapy, personal growth, work is great. It helps you it grows, you doesn’t usually get rid of beliefs. And here’s why. That’s why you have to keep tapping. Because the belief doesn’t go away permanently. You have to keep tapping, you have to keep going. With my work. The Buddha was away. Here’s why. If I said to everybody listening, go back to your childhood. Doesn’t it seem like you saw I’m not good enough? Everybody would say I did see it. Right, everybody really? Take a look for a second? Doesn’t it seem like you saw I’m not good enough? Yeah, any I know a lot of you are listening. But if you’re watching, I’m holding up my water bottle. Anything you could see as a colour, shape, and location. You cannot see, I’m not good enough. You can see your parents criticising you belittling you calling you names telling you, you failed. You could see your grades in school I could see failing on in on a test. But the only place I’m not good enough existed was in your mind. You made that up raw. That’s only a piece of our process. But when you do the work, you look at what will and I’m going to give everybody a free gift today to eliminate a belief for free. So when you actually go back, we take you to the pattern, to the beliefs to the source to alternative interpretations to getting you never saw the belief in the world. And then we do something with the feelings we work with a very magical process that gets rid of feelings. Once you get I never saw saw Santa Claus. I saw my dad in a red suit in a white beard. I never saw that there was a tooth fairy. I just saw getting money under my pillow. And being told there was a tooth fairy. The minute you get that you made that up, the belief goes away and never comes back. Okay, that

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  25:23

sounds too good to be true. That’s incredible.

Shelly Lefkoe  25:27

Yeah, it is.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  25:30

So usually, when people have a certain behaviour, or perhaps a certain belief, it’s because they have a payback. Even when people do something that doesn’t necessarily serve them. There’s always a payback. There’s always something in it for them. Otherwise, they wouldn’t do it, I believe. I mean, whether it’s their self defence mechanism, whatever it is. So if someone wants to go to the gym, we use that example. They want to lose weight. And they still keep eating bad food, even though knowing that it’s so unhealthy and it could affect their mortality. And they still continue with that behaviour. It’s because there’s a payback for them. Or it’s someone who’s in that toxic relationship, knowing that that person is not good for them. But they stay in that relationship. There is still a payback for them in some ways, and that, no, no,

Shelly Lefkoe  26:39

I totally, vehemently disagree. And everybody thinks that everybody thinks that, yeah, let me tell you why it’s not true. There may be a payoff, which is why they keep doing it. Maybe I contend, there may not be a payoff. Okay. They’ve been tortured. And I’m going to give you a good example, in a minute very simple example. Yes, they do it. Because we do not and cannot act inconsistently with our beliefs. If you believe food is the best way to comfort myself. That belief will run you, you may not be getting a payoff, you may have a heart condition, you may not have anybody love you will want to be with you because you’re obese. You might not that you can’t love an obese person. No, but that. But that might seem you may not be able to walk because your ankles are so swollen, there’s no payoff. So

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  27:40

then what stops people from moving forward and making the change

Shelly Lefkoe  27:45

their beliefs, okay, their beliefs. So, so I could give you 50,000 examples. I’m gonna give you one. There’s a guy, I’m gonna give you a couple. But there’s a guy I play pickleball.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  28:01

I know you do. Yes. That’s big in the US.

Shelly Lefkoe  28:05

Yes, it’s huge. And there’s a guy who gets very, very, he’s one of the they call them challenge players. He’s one of the top top players, right. And there are certain courts, you know, where those people play, and they’re the best of the best. And he has this, when he misses a shot, he’ll take his paddles and throw it on the floor and say a very, very word, I’d love to say on your show. But it’s the F word. And he goes, Ah, you know. And then one day, I saw him take the paddle, Mr. Shot, and he hid himself and he went, stupid, stupid, stupid. Oh, now, there’s no payoff to him being that way. He doesn’t want to be that way. I went over to him, everybody thinks he’s a jerk. I went over to him. And I looked at him just like this. Marissa, I said, your father was very hard on you. Hmm. And without missing a beat, he said, brutal. So every time he misses a shot, what he hears in his head is you’re a loser. You’re a failure. You’re not good enough, given that belief, he’s going to behave that way. I’ll tell you a more, even more extreme one, which is so fascinating. We worked I said we worked with with incarcerated men. And this one guy was a wife beat a woman beater. And he said to Morty, my late husband, he said, I don’t want to be women. anymore. It’s not worth I’m in prison. I don’t want to do that. This is what What do you believe? And he said, when you do something bad, you deserve to be punished. And the way to be punished is to beat. Now, obviously, that’s what happened to him when he was a kid. Yes, you punish your children, they’re going to conclude, if you do something wrong, you deserve to be punished. Now your kid does something wrong, you punish them. And if you believe how you punish is to beat, you will beat them. Yes, not because you will your kid, not because there’s a payoff. Some psychobabble is going to tell you, you feel better, blah, blah, blah, maybe. But given that belief, you are going to do what’s consistent, as I said, with, with fear of public speaking or performance anxiety, you can have the most beautiful voice in the world, and you want to share it with people. But if you are terrified of rejection, or if you have the belief that I had, what makes me good enough, is having other people think well of me. There’s no payoff to not going on stage. All there is, is that belief that my worth and value is a function of what these people think. Yes. Now, when you get rid of that belief, you can be your authentic self. My focus isn’t on what you think of me, it doesn’t define me anymore. I may care, I may not care. You know, if you’re my kid, and you don’t like me, I’m gonna care a lot. If you’re, you know, somebody in the street, I don’t care. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about it doesn’t mean anything anymore. Now, when I speak, my focus is on you and your audience. I’m here to serve what you think of me as irrelevant? If I make a difference? That’s irrelevant? If you said, Yes, that was a waste of time, that would have that would upset me. But it no longer means anything about me. It

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  32:13

doesn’t define who you are. Exactly. I do get that. And that’s one of my biggest learning curves is to let go of what other people think of me. That was one of my most limiting beliefs up until a few years ago. And I started to change the way I thought about fear and courage. And I started to look at courage, for example. So rather than worrying about fear, I thought, I’m going to address courage. And I’m going to look at courage as a muscle. And with any muscle, you have to build a muscle. And how do you build that muscle is through repetition, through constantly doing the work to build that muscle. So then, little by little, every day, there would be one small act of courage, where and to the point where I feel I can flex that muscle. And one of the things that I did recently, I shared a video of me on a Friday night singing at the top of my lungs, a big rock song, and I put it on social media. Now that was a big deal. Because I was putting my voice out there as a singing teacher, even though I’d had a drink. And I was acting crazy. But I put myself out there. And I did it. And I thought I don’t care what people think of this, but I’m doing it as an act of courage. Congratulations. Because I thought the beliefs about the people don’t define me. They don’t. And that’s why on this podcast, for example, like I am open, I will share I will be vulnerable. Because I think sometimes we have to lead by example, too. And I feel I’m in a position where I have an audience and I feel I can lead by example and let people book chat, like maybe change their beliefs about vulnerability and about sharing and that it’s okay and what they’re going through, maybe something that I’ve been through. And you can come through to the other side or I have a guest that talks about that very thing like you are today. So when it comes to beliefs, what are the most common beliefs that hold people back from the life they want to live? Yeah,

Shelly Lefkoe  34:55

I just want to address something that you said yes. Like I’m listening to Are you thinking, wow, that’s really amazing. You know, there are people who plough through life and go, I’m not going to let this stop me. And I’m going to flex my muscle and I’m going to do this, and I’m going to do that. And, you know, maybe a belief goes away. That’s awesome. To me. It’s also exhausting. And one of the things that I love about our work, and again, I’m gonna give you an opportunity to do this for free, is you can intentionally, quickly and permanently get rid of the belief without doing all that without flexing and building and muscle and Eminem and join Sonos. It’s like, it’s just a different way to do it. Easier.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  35:49

Yes. And by the way, that was a way that I decided to deal with it. I have the tools. Yes, that was just a way that I kind of figured out on my own, like a loop being in that playground of what do I do here? How do I dress? So that was that was the tool that I came up with, without therapy.

Shelly Lefkoe  36:15

I love you. And I love that. Marisa, are you just so wonderful? Oh, so the guy that I wrote this book, hitting the wall with is a serial entrepreneur. And he came here, he heard me speak at a conference. And he said, That’s why my clients don’t listen to me. Beliefs. We have to write a book together. And he works with entrepreneurs. So we wrote this book, which is really about beliefs. That’s

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  36:45

the role your latest book? Yeah. Is it for entrepreneurs?

Shelly Lefkoe  36:49

Yeah. Well, it’s for me, it’s yes, it’s for entrepreneurs. And the stories are entrepreneurs. But it’s all about performance, anxiety, it’s all about impostor syndrome. It’s all about the beliefs that underlie the patterns that most people have. So don’t have to be an entrepreneur. But here’s the thing. He came from Soviet Russia. When he moved here, entrepreneurship was illegal in Russia. Yes, he had a lot of beliefs being raised in Soviet Union. And he said that it took him so many years, because he was like you very committed very dedicated, smart as can be. And he’s an attorney, he owns a law firm and an entertainment company. He said, When he started working on his beliefs, that’s when he became successful. Right. And his company is the isn’t the fastest inc 100, top companies Inc. Magazine, in the States. But here’s the thing. Like you, he said it, I wish I had the skills and tools to do it quickly. And that’s what intrigued him about our work. He doesn’t want his clients to have to go through the journey that he went through. Because it was exhausting. It was a lot of work. So you asked me what the most common beliefs are? Yes. So here they are. Okay, five most common beliefs people have, yes. I’m not good enough. I’m not important. Now, if you think you don’t have the belief, I’m not important. I’m going to ask you a question. If you’re in a room with very successful, wealthy people, do you feel as important as them? If you answer if you answered no, you have the belief, I’m not important. You believe I am important. You will feel important, no matter who you’re in a room with. I asked my daughter that question many, many years ago. And she looked at me and she said, why wouldn’t I feel important? Because she was raised to know that your importance is not a function of how successful you are? How much money is success in the way we? Yes, money you have, how you go across a swimming pool, or whether or not you get an A?

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  39:28

C? Okay, that’s why I hesitated when you asked me that question. I had to think about it, because what does important actually mean? So I was trying to contextualise the word in that scenario? Is it because I look up to these people and I don’t think I’m the same or equal as these people. That I’m not as valued as these people. APL. So it’s it. There’s a lot of questions around that one question. I you know what I mean? Like, you’ve done the work. So you know, you’re like you, you’re all about

Shelly Lefkoe  40:13

when I say important. I just mean, am I do I have the import my as important as they are? Are they more important than me? So if somebody comes in, they’re gonna go, oh, that person’s more important than I am. Like, are you less than them? Yes. And most people feel that they are. Hmm. And when you get rid of the belief, yes. What makes me important, is being successful or having a lot of money or, you know, it doesn’t, because I work with nothing but successful people. And the first belief they work on is I’m not important.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  40:54

And I think, too, it depends on okay, I’m just going to throw it out there. It depends too on the person. And how you allow them to make you feel, obviously, that’s the disclaimer, but you can have someone who was really important, for whatever reason, and they are, they have a beautiful way about them where they will irrelevant. Yeah, irrelevant. And it’s hard to negate that energy when someone is really arrogant. Although now I pretty much say excuse the language or that person’s just an asshole.

Shelly Lefkoe  41:39

Yeah, but here’s the thing. I don’t say they’re an asshole. I know. They’re in pain and suffering. Yeah. But I mean, I go the compassionate route, because I know what’s underneath it. Yes. Yes. Most people walk in, they go, Oh, they’re, they’re so full of themselves. And I go, No, they have no self esteem. People who have self esteem don’t act like that. It’s because they don’t feel worthy. They don’t feel important. So they have to go around proving Yes, the thing that I want to bring up, that’s so important. It has nothing to do with the other person how you feel. It doesn’t matter if they’re nice. It doesn’t matter if they’re an asshole. It doesn’t matter if they’re aggressive, or if they’re shy, or what they are. It’s coming from you.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  42:25

Yes, yes,

Shelly Lefkoe  42:27

not them. So here’s the five most common beliefs. I’m not good enough. I’m not important. And I don’t care. And I’ll tell you, I’ll show you how you have this one. mistakes and failures are bad. Now, I’m all good with that one. If I make a mistake or fail, I will be rejected. Now, I’m all good with that. And what makes me good enough, is having other people think well of me. So I’m good with that one, too. Yeah, but most people listening or not. So if you read business books, I just had a client, his boss said to him, If you don’t start taking risks, I’m going to have to let you go. He calls me he said, I can’t do it. So when we’re kids, and we get yelled at for making mistakes, or we get demeaned for failing, or we go to a school, where we see red x’s. And if we fail, it’s a terrible thing. That is a hotbed because we think we saw mistakes and failures are bad. Everybody knows. Richard Branson says, if you’re not failing, you’re going to be mediocre. Michael Jordan got kicked out of his high school basketball, get kicked off his basketball team. Everybody knows all the quotes about failure fail forward, you know, there’s millions. And it is the most common belief I work with.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  44:03

I’ve turned the whole fear of failure around as that there’s no failure, there’s only opportunity to learn and grow. So if something doesn’t work out the way you want it to. Or if you have an obstacle that comes your way, that is life giving you that opportunity to learn. And when you have a whole bunch of obstacles and challenges thrown at you all at once. That’s life, fast tracking your growth. And that is the mindset that I’ve taken on board and really, and I believe that I truly believe that because out of everything bad that happens or what we perceive to be bad. There’s always something good at the other side of it. The if you really believe that, yeah, I do, you will act consistently with it. If you tell people that,

Shelly Lefkoe  45:08

and they have the belief mistakes and failures are bad, they will make a mistake, and they will beat themselves up.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  45:18

But I think when people make mistakes, are they beating themselves up? Because they feel that they have failed? Or is it about what will other people think? It’s both? Hmm. Because I feel that most of the time, when I thought I would fail at something, I was more concerned at that time about what other people were thinking rather than I’ve failed. Whereas now just go, oh, my gosh, you know, every time something happened doesn’t go my way. It’s not meant to, because there’s something greater there for me on the other side, or there’s an opportunity to learn. It’s like how many times the people wanted to buy a particular house, let’s just look at their house scenario, they see this beautiful house, oh, my gosh, I have to buy this house. This is the house of my dreams. And they can almost see themselves living in this house. And then another buyer comes along and buys it from underneath them. And they miss out on that house. And they’re really sad. And it’s like, oh, my gosh, you know, there’s no other house out there. But that house, and then a week later, a better house comes up in a better neighbourhood. So I’ve kind of believed that out of things when they don’t work out how they’re meant to, it’s because there’s something greater there waiting for us around the corner. So I just wanted to touch on impostor syndrome. Because that’s something that I had been through when I was doing my PhD. That was the time that I felt that I was an imposter that I was not worthy that I wasn’t good enough. I felt all those beliefs. I actually had, I think all five of those at that time, when I was in that scenario, where I was amongst really smart people. And I didn’t I’ve never thought of myself as smart. I’ve always thought of myself as a hard worker, that or I always get the job done. And it’s always done well, but not necessarily because I’m smart. So what is it about impostor syndrome? Because I heard a really interesting thing about it. That when we’re in that impostor syndrome, is a lot of the time it’s because maybe we’re still in a learning phase. And we maybe don’t have the skills, or whatever it is, is that we need to grow into for whatever it is that we’re trying to do. So

Shelly Lefkoe  48:04

you are you keep trying to put things in neat little boxes, like

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  48:11

yes, yeah, I admitted it. Yeah. Why are

Shelly Lefkoe  48:15

we doing this? Why? And here’s why. You are one of those people who’s smart. And I’m not just saying it. I don’t blow smoke up people’s butts. I don’t do okay.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  48:26

I don’t want smoke up my butt. Gary.

Shelly Lefkoe  48:33

You and I are two peas in a pod. There was a moment I totally forgot that we were doing a podcast and I was gonna get up and get some water. Because I was like, so in this conversation with? Well, here’s the trick. Yes. You’re very smart, as I’m sure your listeners are because they are listening to you. So they’re very smart. And you’ve you’ve taken life, like my mother used to say, grab life by the balls, right? On to life, and you’re gonna figure it out. And so you’re going oh, okay, so this is why I do this. Now. I’m not going to do that anymore, and then try out the way most people try to make change. Marisa is through information and motivation. I’m gonna find out how to make the change. What causes it? Yeah, then I’m going to motivate it. And I’m going to do it. For most people most of the time. That doesn’t work. Because the equation is not and this is all in my book. Is not i Sluss am information plus motivations equals change. It’s information plus motivation minus beliefs, equals change. So every time you say Y, I’m gonna say beliefs. Y beliefs. Hmm. because if you believe water is boiling, you will not put your finger in it. Imposter syndrome is nothing more and I have helped more because I work with a lot of entrepreneurs and CEOs. You know, it’s very interesting when I used to work with I got bored because it’s so simple. So I used to work with fear of public speaking, right? Yes, I niche five sessions, money back guarantee, you know, we’ll get rid of it. But it’s the same beliefs for everybody. Right? It’s the same imposter syndrome beliefs. Here’s the thing. All these people have a fear of public speaking. When is your fear the worst? When a sea level person is in the room? Now, the end of the day, my last session, guy says to me, I have 1500 employees. I’m the CEO. I have a fear of public speaking. I said, You do know that when you walk into the room, everybody has fear. He goes, I know. impostor syndrome, is I’m not good enough. Yes. I am not capable. Yes, I am. Less than other people know better than me. Other people are smarter than me. And here’s the thing. This is workaholism. Okay, everybody, or whoever’s listening? workaholism, perfectionism, any ism. Okay. People pleases them. Yes, I just made them. That

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  51:39

should have an ism, that definitely should have an ism, because I think that is rife in society.

Shelly Lefkoe  51:47

Totally. So here’s your belief. Remember, I have a fist in front of my face. This fist is a belief. So if you believe I’m not good enough, or I’m not important, this belief is going to be in your face all the time, that little voice in your head is going to yet. So when we’re kids a little older in our adolescence, if you get acknowledged for achievements, you going to conclude? What makes me good enough, are my achievements. So now, as long as I’m achieving this beach ball, called I’m not good enough, is staying underwater. So I’m pushing with my hand, the beach ball under the water. So what makes me good enough is achieving things is holding I’m not good enough underwater. Every time I stop achieving, it’s in my face. So I had a client who I write about. In the book, he called me and he said, Celli, I am worth $10 million. This was years ago. Yes, quintillion dollars was a lot of money. And of course, it’s still in. I’m teasing. He had $10 million. It was on the cover of business publications. He said, When is it going to be enough? I don’t know my kids. My wife, my second wife is ready to leave me. He says I keep promising I’m going to be at their games or their plays. I promise I’m going to take her out for anniversary. And I don’t make it home. Help me.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  53:46

Wow,

Shelly Lefkoe  53:47

I’m not good enough. Yeah, not important. But what makes me good enough is and it could be pleasing people. I have to please people and please people, please people, what makes me good and not and you have the belief. Putting myself first is selfish. You know, you’re gonna put everybody else before you. So So these beliefs are called survival strategy beliefs. Any time you’re driven to keep doing it. If you are the oldest of 10. What do you think you get acknowledged for being the

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  54:23

oldest, but leading the way for leading the way? Yeah, setting example being the role model. No, no hate.

Shelly Lefkoe  54:33

Maybe. Maybe. But what you get acknowledged and appreciated for is taking care of the siblings. Oh, okay. Which is kind of the same thing. It’s kind of the same thing. Yeah. Being a role model, taking care of the kids. So in a family of 10, everybody’s putting out fires. Nobody’s sitting there going. Oh, Marisa, you’re such a joy to be with If I just love being with you, right, you said you want to talk about parenting, that’s parenting, I love being with you, your kid is not a human doing. They’re a human being. You’re warm, loving and kind, not you got an A or you scored a goal, or you did your chores, or you didn’t do your chores. So, because we get acknowledged for taking care of our siblings, now we conclude what makes you good enough, what makes me good enough is taking care of people. Now, I’m a caretaker. So I don’t have a choice keeps the beach ball underwater, because that’s what makes me good enough or valuable or worthy. So I have to keep doing it all the time.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  55:51

When I was born, I was born with a job. My mum was having a nervous breakdown, prior to becoming pregnant with me. And the doctor told her to have a baby to take her mind off her problems. So I was born with a job to take care of my mum and to keep her mind off her problems. So I took care of my mum, right up until she passed away. In one way or another, I was always the one that she dumped on. And she passed away last year. And then I realised that I was married to my mother, even and it took her passing away from me to realise that my responsibility was done. But then I found myself in a relationship where I still had that responsibility because I had created it. Yeah. Because even subconsciously. And I think that is the thing that I have. Now, I have come to a point where I’ve said to myself, I am in a position to receive, I’ve been the giver, the caretaker, and the nurturer for so long. Well, in fact, all my life and now, I want to receive love. And I want someone to take care of me. And I want someone who will nurture me in the way that I nurture them. Yeah, it’s beautiful. And talk, my mom’s passing for me to realise that when I just went, you know what, I’m tired. And I’ve had enough now, enough, yeah, enough is enough. And that’s still a work in progress. And I think that’s where some of my issues with my husband come through. Because it’s like, yeah, it’s where I just am so defiant. Now, if he dumped somewhere just gonna stop. No more. Nothing. Good for you. Yeah. Then anyway, we’re going to talk just quickly now really want to talk about parenting the next generation because especially here in Australia, this is a really timely conversation. Our youth crime rate is through the roof. We have young perpetrators 12 1314 years old, who have no fear of repercussions. They are out there, seriously hurting other people, not just people’s property. And stealing cars while people are asleep in their own homes. They are actually stabbing people, there was a security guard stabbed in a shopping centre just recently. And that was a gang of youths. They have no fear, but also to it’s like, why are they out late at night? Where are the parents? What is going on? They have no respect. So what do you make of all of that?

Shelly Lefkoe  59:05

So I’ll tell you something that I like to clear up. Because a lot of people have a lot of misconceptions. Yes.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  59:17

About this. Yes.

Shelly Lefkoe  59:22

Underlying anger is always powerlessness. Because if you could do something about what you’re upset about or angry about, you would just do it. You wouldn’t be angry. You just fix it. We get angry because we feel powerless. So if kids are out stealing and rebelling against society, yes, in that way, yes, they’re angry because they feel powerless and they probably feel powerless, about getting their needs met. So if the parents are not there, and not engaged and involved, chances are, let me back up every child in every country. And anybody if I ask you this question, and I, how many of you have little children? When you come home, at the end of the day, you walk into the house, what is your child, three year old four year old do when they see you?

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  1:00:21

They run to you, they want to be hugged. And

Shelly Lefkoe  1:00:25

every single client in every country says that they run to you and they want to be hugged, right? They want to be hugged. So the first thing they want is love. What’s the second thing they want? They haven’t seen you all day. What do they want? They want acknowledgement, acknowledgement, and attention. Affection, attention, and acknowledgement. Yes. So we already established that every child is asking why. Right? So why am I not getting acknowledged? I guess I’m not good enough. Why am I not getting affection? I guess I’m not lovable. Why am I not getting attention? I guess I’m not important. So now, why am I not getting my needs met? I guess I’m powerless. I can’t stop my parents from fighting. I can’t keep them together. If they’re divorced. I can’t get them to care about me, I can’t. So they’re out doing things, because they have, again, beliefs that are making them do those things. So I don’t believe things are good and bad and right and wrong. I think I think there are things that work and don’t work, stealing doesn’t work. Hitting doesn’t work. Right. So if parents are not having conversations like this with their kids, guess what? Yes.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  1:01:42

It’s just teaching them about life, isn’t it? I mean, we were having this conversation last night with my husband. And everything you’ve just said, is exactly what I said to him, actually, so. And then you have parents that we call helicopter parents that are always hovering, that are always there. And they don’t allow people like teachers and coaches in sports, to do their job and allow them to role model and to better a whole nother podcast. Oh, my God.

Shelly Lefkoe  1:02:22

But But then, and then a lot of those kids end up rebelling too, because they have no space. They feel powerless to make decisions. They feel powerless to fail. They feel incapable. Like, why is my that was one of my beliefs. Because my mother did everything for me. She loved me so much. That didn’t work. You know, helicopter parents are telling kids, I don’t trust you. I have to be there. And I tell parents, you ain’t always gonna be there. So you better empower your kids.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  1:02:56

Yes, that’s one thing I feel that we’re not teaching our children to do to is to fail better. Now, in sports games here until you reach a certain age, there’s no winning or losing. There’s no, you’re on top of the ladder, you’re at the bottom of the ladder. And I mean, life is all about being compared. And I mean, we’re not making children resilient.

Shelly Lefkoe  1:03:24

We’re not when we’re helicopter parents, we’re absolutely not. You’ve got to let them fail. You’ve got to let them have consequences. You’ve got to got to got to, I always taught my kids. What people think about you is not what you need to think about no matter I said, no matter what you do, somebody’s not gonna like it. So you may as well do what you want. But there’s a caveat. Before you do anything, stop and ask yourself the question, what might the consequence be of my actions? And do I want to live with those consequences? Yes. So my daughter was at a party and found out that the designated driver had to drink two drinks. And she gets in the car and somebody said something and she said, Mom, I actually was a freshman in high school. She said, I asked myself the question, what might be the consequences if I stay in the score? And I got out and I walked home. Oh,

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  1:04:35

bless. That’s amazing. You did your job. That was a job well done. Now, we’re going to start wrapping up. And I just wanted to know if there was anything else you wanted to add to this interview, or if there was a piece of advice you would like to share with our listeners, someone who’s going through some kind of struggle or who’s having problems because of a limiting belief. Yeah,

Shelly Lefkoe  1:05:04

the only advice that I like to give, see if I give you advice, and it’s consistent with your beliefs, you’ll use it. If I give you advice, and it’s not, it will be not helpful. And I like to be helpful to everybody listening. So go to eliminate beliefs.com. and eliminate a belief for free. And you will experience something and you will get you who you are, is not limited. You know, this is a spiritual aspect of our work. At the end of every session, you and we have a programme where you can do 19 self esteem beliefs for $200 and interact with videos, and it’s very, very big, with 1000s of testimonials. Had a new client this morning, she said to me, I did natural confidence, it changed my life completely. So eliminate a belief for free, first of all, and then just get who you really are, is the consciousness that creates the beliefs that create your life. You’re not simply this sculpture called Marissa, or Shelley, or Jane, or June or Laurie, who you are, is that which creates the sculpt tour, you are the sculpt, tour. And if you are stopped, it’s because you put something on the sculpture that can be taken away, so the sculpture can change. Wow.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  1:06:58

That’s beautiful. That’s such a great way to look at it. Thank you, the welcome. We’re going to share your links to your books to your programme to the institute to eliminate beliefs.com. We’re going to throw everything in the links for our listeners. I truly appreciate you spending time with us. And I will have you back some time to talk about parenting. Because that was a whole different whole nother conversation. It’s a whole nother conversation. But I did want to ask those quick questions. I didn’t realise it was going to launch into this big, big conversation. Yeah. So thank you so much, Shelley, thank you for being on the show. I appreciate your time and the amazing work that you’re doing. And I really had some aha moments. Oh, yeah, I really did. And I hope our listeners do as well. So please take care and good luck with all the work that you do and look forward to talking with you some other time in the future. Me too. Thanks

Shelly Lefkoe  1:08:09

for having me. Okay, bye. Bye.

Dr Marisa Lee Naismith  1:08:14

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of a voice and beyond. I hope you enjoyed it as now is an important time for you to invest in your own self care, personal growth and education. Use every day as an opportunity to learn and to grow so you can show up feeling empowered and ready to live your best life. If you know someone who will also be inspired by this episode, please be sure to copy and paste the link and share it with them. Or share it on social media and use the hashtag a voice and beyond. I promise you I am committed to bringing you more inspiration and conversations just like this one every week. And if you would like to help me please rate and review this podcast and cheer me on by clicking the subscribe button on Apple podcast right now. I would also love to know what it is that you most enjoyed about this episode and what was your biggest takeaway? Please take care and I look forward to your company next time on the next episode have a voice and beyond